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6 Sacrilegious Ways To Ruin A Milkshake

The truth is, there's no wrong way to enjoy your milkshake. But there is a wrong way to make a milkshake.

Most people can agree that milkshakes preside over the non-alcoholic beverage community like royalty.

Some crave monstrous $15 milkshakes like those from New York’s Black Tap Craft Burgers and Beer while others prefer to keep things simple with local diner fare. The truth is, there’s no wrong way to enjoy your milkshake. But there is a wrong way to make a milkshake.

Here are the six most common ways your milkshake can get ruined, which will result in zero boys coming to your yard.

1. Too-Thick Milkshake

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Is this a milkshake with a doughnut on top or a doughnut with a milkshake in it? Photo: @lichipan / Instagram

Depending on how frivolous the establishment gets with their toppings, an incredibly thick milkshake quickly turns into an ice cream sundae. These milkshakes often come with spoons and no one should need to use a utensil for a beverage when they most likely aren’t even using utensils for their meal.

Don’t be a hero; save your lungs and ask for a smoother milkshake.

2. Flimsy Straws

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“Can’t… reach… shake. Sucking… so… hard.” Photo: @tuesdayphillips / Instagram

Dear server, if you’re going to give me a milkshake thicker than lumpy oatmeal, at least give me something stronger than a coffee straw to inhale it. Maybe you’re out of the big kid straws—or maybe you just switched straw providers—but I’m out of patience and have acquired ‘permanent duck face.’

Even if blessed with a properly blended (read: liquid) shake, a cheap straw can quickly cave under pressure. Please, save lips everywhere from the wrath of a broken straw and get some boba-tea-quality straws. At the very least, use bendy or otherwise festive straws; I’m not ordering a milkshake to feel like an adult.

3. Too-Thin Milkshake

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Want some more milk with that sugar? Photo: @duffy_la_reine / Instagram

Occasionally, people get a little trigger-happy with the blender and end up presenting you with something akin to a glass of sweetly flavored milk. Not only does this concoction taste like sugary milk, but you’re also predisposed to drink it too fast. Brain-freeze and a sugar rush? Let’s keep that ice-cream-to-milk ratio in check, for all of our sakes (and shakes).

4. A Mountain of Whipped Cream

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I do not like to pair my desserts with ‘decision-making.’ Photo: @vraffray / Instagram

Regardless of your feelings about whipped cream, its presence atop a milkshake presents a conundrum: Do you eat your way through to get the shake, or do you let it gradually mix into the shake as you drink it, slowly forming a substantial foam-puddle at the bottom of the glass?

Either way, you end up eating far too much whipped cream at one end of your milkshake, or you miss out on the whipped cream altogether.

5. Milk

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To be fair, this one only applies to the dairy-averse. Photo: @emymermaid2000 / Instagram

For lactose-intolerant people, milkshakes are at the direct intersection of a diet cheat day and a mild food allergy. Tempting—yet dangerous—these otherwise innocuous beverages have been the downfall of many poor souls. Thankfully most nut-based milks make for an excellent dairy-free base for allergy-free shake enjoyment.

6. No Extra Tin

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You’ll sleep better at night knowing you got ALL that milkshake juice. Photo: @littleredheadlauren / Instagram

No matter how large of a milkshake your server sets down in front of you, you’re always going to feel cheated if you don’t get that metal tin with the extra shake from the blender. It may not be a full shake, but it feels like an extra shake. What kind of monster would take that away from us?