6 Ways To Eat Dessert Without Really Eating Dessert

Pounds of Christmas peppermint bark and Hanukkah gelt have come and gone. Your waistband survived fried food on New Year’s, dipping everything in Ranch for the Super Bowl, and that box of Valentine’s chocolates you were thoughtful enough to buy yourself. You’ve quite literally #TreatedYourself.

Now it’s time to reign it in.

“But my sweet tooth!” You cry out into the bloated night. Never fear, y’all: Kira is here with six rocking ways to feel as though you’re fulfilling your sweet tooth without the inevitable sugar crash that follows.

1. Vegan, Gluten-Free Pumpkin Oat Bars

It might seem like all the fun has been removed from this dessert, but I can tell you the TASTE and MOUTHFEEL are wholly ambrosial.

Eschewing eggs and milk for apple sauce and coconut oil, this dessert is so healthy it can be a fully nutritious breakfast. Swap out regular flour for oat flour and you’re eating on-the-go oatmeal with vegan chocolate chips in it. Plus, this is so easy to bake – it takes about 15 minutes of prep and 20 minutes in the oven.

2. Paleo Lemon Curd

As unappetizing as every element of the recipe’s title appears, this is quite delicious and insanely easy to make. You only need four ingredients to take a ride on this Paleo Super Highway: eggs, honey, Meyer lemons, and coconut oil.

Layering this with Greek yogurt is a delicious and healthy way to trick yourself into thinking you’re eating cheesecake. Or drizzle it on a graham cracker and pretend it’s a dang lemon bar. I don’t know; you do you.

3. Persimmon Sorbet

I’m not sure why no one has ever told us how easy it is to make a dang frozen dessert, but it is. It’s stupidly easy. If you’re super lazy, this sorbet takes one ingredient. If you have any ambition whatsoever, it takes two. If you’re doing it right, three.

Toss some persimmons into a blender with lemon juice and agave syrup, put it in a dish and throw that thing in the freezer. Freeze the mix for about one and a half hours and let it thaw for an hour before blending.

4. Rice Cake Rumble

Everyone knows that life is all about the toppings. Sure, it’s great if a cake has a moist, fluffy base, but it’s the frosting that counts. And the marzipan butterflies on top of it. And the layers inside. Okay, now I’m just fantasizing about cake, which is neither here nor there.

The POINT IS, you can take a rice cake from your abandoned pantry shelf and layer almond butter, jam, a few banana slivers, and a sprinkling of Jacobsen’s sea salt. Close your eyes and pretend that you’re eating cake. I mean, it kind of works. Shhh. Kind of.

5. Two-Ingredient Pancakes

Dessert for breakfast is the best kind o’ breakfast, as we all know. What if I were to tell you there was a way to eat pancakes without any gluten or guilt whatsoever? This recipe is the best because it is 100% brainless.

Mash half a banana with a fork and mix with an egg. Whisk it all together. Take the “batter” and fry it in a pan until it looks like a pancake with golden brown edges, then serve!

Pour Log Cabin ALL over it. Wait, no, no this is supposed to be healthy, my bad. Spray agave nectar into the air and wave your egg-banana pancake through it to acquire a whiff of sweetness. Eat, and delight, for lo, you have achieved breakfast, dessert, and health, all at once.

6. Frozen Banana Stand

We all know money is in the banana stand but is there dessert in there, too? Turns out the answer to that dumb question is YES.

Cut a banana in half and freeze it. Once frozen, roll it in melted chocolate. Then roll it atop a crunchy healthy topping of your choice: I suggest chopped almonds or granola.

Next, return the messy banana to the freezer and voila: an hour later you’ll find the treat you have literally been waiting for (for the past hour).