OOPS: 6 Things the FDA Changed Their Minds About

Listen, everybody gets it wrong sometimes. Your parents certainly did by having you (OHHHH DISS!). Your teachers invariably made a mistake at some point (but don’t hold that against them, they work really hard). Your landlord (mom?) is definitely over-charging you for rent.

Even the hot guy at your favorite café gave you the wrong change once, but you’re in love with him, so you forgave that error (i.e., you blushed, thanked him, and walked away, lovestruck, moonstruck and dumbstruck).

So it stands to reason that sometimes the arbiter of all that is food-oriented – the fancy federal wing of the United States Department of Health and Human Services, established ALL the way back in 1906 by Ol’ Teddy Roosevelt – well, sometimes, they get it wrong too.

In all six of the following examples of massive reverse-rulings, the FDA just so happens to have struck on decisions in flavor’s favor.

1. Butter

Call it the influence of the current trend in Nordic minimalism, but in March of 2016, the FDA notched the tiny “Butter, Oils, and Fats” wing of the food pyramid down towards the bottom, on par with fruits and vegetables.

Now, apparently, the basis of our diet is supposed to be comprised of sweet, creamy, liberally-salted butter. You heard that right. So braid your hair, pull out your smorgasbords and hand-slice some rye, because your butter allowance is about to go way up. Fräckt! (“Cool!” in Swedish.)

2. Ice Cream

Possibly due to the recent uptick in artisanal ice cream shops around the country, most of which are using actual, real ingredients such as fruits, herbs, flowers, and fair-trade marshmallows, the FDA has reversed its ruling on ice cream, which has been a longstanding no-no.

“Enough urging our citizens to choose a piece of fruit for dessert instead of ice cream. Ice cream is rather healthy now, so go ahead, scream for ice cream – we’re all doing it,” Willy Wilberson of the D.C. bureau of the FDA has posited.

3. Burgers

We can all breathe a sigh of relief: ground beef patties topped with melted cheese have finally been allowed access to the hallowed bottom of the pyramid thanks to their high protein and a large amount of now acceptable saturated fats.

Apparently, we should be eating more of these than we already do. And Americans already average an intake of about 50 billion burgers per year! I’d stick around and chat more with you, but I’ve gotta get in line at the newly-opened LA Shake Shack. Mmmmm … melted cheese on meat.

4. Pizza

Because of the ability to top it with a myriad of vegetables, pizza deserves another chance. Before, we just thought of pizza as empty calories, carbs, and excessive saturated fats from all the melted cheese. But now, we know it’s not all that bad for you if you add an assortment of vegetables such as spinach.

Just going to go ahead and order a pie with extra spinach and ranch on the side … excuse me while I place this very important call …

5. Pancakes

This one’s a doozy. We should probably credit all the food bloggers out there who have revolutionized the pancake sphere. Heck, Adrianna Adarme even wrote an entire recipe book on Pancakes (72 Sweet and Savory Recipes for the Perfect Stack).

Now that pancakes are out of the proverbial and literal box, the possibilities for adding healthful elements such as oats, blueberries, chai tea, and even duck fat are positively endless. Pancakes: always the best part of wakin’ up.

6. Donuts

“Due to recently purported reportage, we’ve been forced into taking another look at the American food institution of the hallowed, hollowed donut. And what we found is that it’s pretty good for you!” Candy Roberts Glaze of the North Carolina branch of the FDA recently told the press.

Don’t eschew your donut craving for a dumb apple any longer. Instead, go for an apple fritter! The FDA says it’s okay. Better than okay: now it’s MANDATORY. Hey, this is my kind of food fascism!

APRIL FOOLS’! Daaaang, we got you good! You totally believed us! Ever looked up gullible in the dictionary before? It’s a picture of YOU, going to town on pizza, pancakes, donuts and butter. What a beautiful portrait that is! You should have it framed.

HAPPY APRIL, Y’ALL.