Stop Falling for Gimmicky Beer

This is an open letter to my future self. Unless you enjoy being put down and set up for disappointment, please cease relations with any beer that promises to combine some guilty pleasure or childhood treat with, well, beer. It will only end badly with you back at the bar looking for love once more.

The brewers at 21st Amendment recently expanded into a warehouse formerly occupied by Kellogg’s. To celebrate this expansion and pay homage to their former residence, they crafted Toaster Pastry, an India style Red Ale meant to evoke a Pop Tart.

Let’s get something out of the way first. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING does Pop Tart except Pop Tart. It’s scientifically impossible. Why toy with our fragile nostalgia-driven minds?

21st Amendment is certainly not the only brewery guilty of this. Rogue has made a small fortune from my desire for Sriracha Stout and any of their Voodoo Donut experiments. The one little success in all of this is Mission’s Hard Root Beer, and that’s a bit of a stretch. The stuff tastes dangerously like any standard root beer only with a 7.5% ABV.

From a marketing point of view, it is difficult to fault the brewers. There are more quality craft brews out there these days than ever before, and this is an excellent way to get press. And ultimately, I feel that’s all they see too. Nobody is casually going to walk into a bar, plop their ass down and say, “I’d like a Pop-Tart beer.” At least nobody of legal age anywho.

Reach deep down and ask yourself this, “do you truly desire a chocolate peanut butter and banana, or lemon chiffon crueller ale?” I thought not.

21st Amendment, Rogue, and Mission Brewery all make solid quality beers that speak for themselves. There is no reason for any of them to go to such lengths for sales. Do what you do well and people will come.

Now where is my Sour Patch Kids Sour?