The 6 Worst Drinks You'll Try In College
College is a time for exploration and experimentation. Sadly, this applies to alcohol as much as anything else.
College is a time for exploration and experimentation. Sadly, this applies to alcohol as much as anything else. Nobody is born with a refined palate so we all must learn the hard way.
Pop quiz: which drink above won’t cause a hangover? Answer: trick question. They all will.
Here are six drinks you’ll undoubtedly try, and hopefully learn from.
1. Malibu Bay Breeze
Its bright color masks its dark intentions. Photo: Wendy Berry
If Cillian Murphy’s portrayal of an assassin in Red Eye didn’t make you terrified to trust another Malibu Bay Breeze, we’re not sure what will. But for many, this is the gateway cocktail.
Because no average adult drinks Malibu, bartenders are constantly trying to get rid of it, so you’ll always get at least double the rum required. Perfect for a budget, but awful for your stomach.
Vomit Countdown: 3-5 drinks or 15 minutes after whenever you start playing 80s power ballads on the jukebox.
2. Long Island Iced Tea
The best way to catch up if you haven’t had a drink yet. Photo: Maxime Guilbot / Flickr
This ultimate “I need to get drunk now” cocktail uses just about every type of alcohol except for whiskey. And made correctly, you won’t taste a single one.
Just be aware, any story that starts with you ordering an L.I.I.T. usually ends in sorrow, stomach-pumping, and possibly the complete and utter destruction of a friendship. But there’s nothing quite like that first hour’s euphoria.
Vomit Countdown: 2-4 drinks or 10 minutes after you start dancing on bar furniture.
3. Vodka Soda
It may look like Sprite, but the comparison ends there. Photo: Luca Vanzella / Flickr
Also known as the alcoholic dieters drink of choice, it’s simply vodka mixed with soda water. While this drink transcends age, the main problem is just how well the soda water dilutes the flavor of vodka. Ultimately you’ll end up having one too many while developing an undeserved aversion to vodka.
Vomit Countdown: 4-6 drinks; 3 if you sub the vodka for Everclear.
4. Jager Shots
It’s a recipe for disaster. But great memories. Or so I was told. Photo: Eric Dickman / Flickr
Jagermeister is having a renaissance at the moment thanks to ballsy mixologists who decided to mix this herbal digestif with Red Bull. No good will come from either, but if you must, take a shot. It might put some hair on your chest.
Vomit Countdown: 5-8 shots, or about three seconds after you say “I don’t feel so hot.”
5. Jungle Juice
You know it’s a good night if you have it all to yourself. Photo: Sonya Green / Flickr
For better or worse, Jungle Juice can be whatever you make it. Just don’t go crazy. In the wrong hands, Jungle Juice is the Dementor of the mixed drink community. It will make you forget all the fun memories you just made while simultaneously being the reason you did all those crazy things in the first place.
Vomit Countdown: 1-2 Solo Cups or 20 minutes after you call your ex.
6. Andre
Fruit might look classy, but it won’t fix the flavor. Photo: Peter / Flickr
Look, we all love mimosas, and nothing drowns out the astringent taste of Andre like fruit juice, but there are so many better inexpensive sparkling wines to grab. Just go up a shelf. Trust me, it’ll be worth it. But whatever you do, don’t grab a Boone’s Farm instead.
Vomit Countdown: You could probably down a bottle or two before ralphing, but the headache later won’t be worth it.