Like zodiac signs and numerology, there are certain aspects of the world that guide who we are and how others perceive us. In just over 50 years, the Pop-Tart has altered the supermarket landscape, ingraining its processed goodness deep within our cultural DNA and forever impacting how we view the world.
All we have to do is look a little deeper, read the frost bumps and crumbles, and find out just what kind of frosting we are inside. Here’s your guide.
Unbutton your top button and untuck your shirt. Slouch when you sit. You’ve been bottled up too long. Up to now you’ve only allowed yourself to have moderate fun. It’s time to rage.
Wildlicious Wild! (Anything)/Blue Raspberry
“Enough” is not in your vocabulary. Your orders at Starbuck’s never dip below $6 because you require six pumps of syrup, plus the extra whip and chocolate slices. Your daily commute would be considered an extreme sport by most passengers.
On the outside, you seem like the perfect student / employee / significant other, but deep down you harbor BDSM fantasies and a burning desire to rip off your mask and let the freak out.
Whole Grain/Low-Fat (Anything)
Do you realize you’re eating a Pop-Tart? Do you consider Welch’s Fruit Snacks fruit? Neither is a source of nutrition nor were they intended as such. You are misguided. It’s time to eat a salad followed up with a donut. That’s real balance.
Brown Sugar Cinnamon
You’re smooth. You’ve made it. You have the corner office and are climbing the corporate ladder, but some part of you yearns for a time when you didn’t have to worry about car payments and a mortgage.
You knew from a young age that a desk job would never be in your future. You enjoy a life of freedom, being outdoors and taking trips off the beaten path. Why stay in one place when you can work from your computer?
Gone Nutty (Anything)!
Many of your developmental years were spent in time out. It’s not that you were a poor student, you just wanted to make learning fun and be included in every activity. Parks and Recreation’s Andy Dwyer is your spirit animal.
Frosted Pumpkin Pie
Don’t even. Just don’t.